Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

On March 10, defying all odds and shocking the student body, the eighth grade’s controversial proposal calling for the institution of a “buddy system” in the high school passed. This buddy system pairs up each incoming freshman with a current high school student to serve as the freshman’s personal chaperone throughout that freshman’s high school experience.

“Our original idea was to borrow rope lines from Lincoln Park preschool,” 8th grade English teacher David Fuder said, “but the school needed them to keep track of their four year olds.”

According to Assistant Principal and Interim Upper School Head Ruth Jurgensen, “The idea of the rope came after freshmen were found wandering in the cafeteria during class.  And lost in stairwells.”  

The buddy system, once in place, promises to make the high school experience feel very similar to a JK field trip. The week earlier, a poll from “The Weekly” projected the proposal to lose by about 340 votes. In response to this, enraged 8th grader Matthew Garchik tweeted, “The polls are wrong, everyone loves the proposal. All the high schoolers want to spend more time with me–I mean us.”

The 8th grade claims the buddy system will help them transition into high school, but experts say that the proposal in effect changes almost nothing.

The proposal says, “There will be a total of two days to be designated as shadow days, where half of the grade would shadow on a given shadow day.” But according to every student at Parker who has experienced a shadow day, “This is how it already is.”

“I’m personally scared of speaking to upperclassmen,” anonymous source Micah Derringer, a freshman, said, “so I think this buddy system will go unused.”

So will 8th graders feel comfortable talking to their buddies? 8th grade Gossip-in-chief Sra. Frasz said, “My students won’t even talk to their Big Brothers and Big Sisters.”

It is still unclear as to why the proposal passed, but new evidence shows that junior Talia Garg’s comment in student government may have had an impact on the voting. In a survey sent out by the Upper School Senate about reasons behind voting, 9 out of the 10 responses said they felt bad for the 8th grade after Garg said, “This proposal is dumb.”