Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

Parker’s walls are about to undergo major changes-–over the summer, all of the student-painted tiles will be replaced by tiles created by a professional artist. The 80-year tradition of “in-house” tile painting will come to an end, and in the future, students will no longer have the opportunity to decorate their own “piece of the house.”

According to Principal Dan Frank, the idea to replace student-made tiles was his own. “One morning in December, I was walking down the hallways, and I realized I was tired of seeing the same poorly executed drawings over and over,” Frank said.  “It’s time to add some real art to our walls.”

Upon hearing the idea, John G. Levi Chief Advancement Officer Regina Rodriguez said, “Thank god.”

That afternoon, Frank organized a special task force to find an artist who would produce tiles worthy of his expectations. After meeting twice a week for the past three months, the 10 member committee, comprised of art teachers, admissions officers, and administrators, has narrowed it down to three candidates.

According to Vice Principal and task force member Ruth Jurgensen, the committee has received applications from extremely talented artists, many of whom live outside of Chicago. “One artist we’re considering is Max Magnus Norman, an award-winning painter from Sweden,” Jurgensen said. “He’s my favorite, but we’re also looking at at two other artists, one from New York, and the other from Madrid, who both have very impressive portfolios.”

Admissions Director Karen Fisher, who also is a member of the task force, is looking forward to bringing professional work to Parker’s walls. “I think it will really make a difference,” Fisher said. “Having hallways decorated with beautiful tiles from an experienced artist will impress prospective families more than our current hallways do. Half of the tiles we have now are just unintelligible blobs of paint.  I mean, come on.”

Visual Arts Department Head and task force member Chris Turner is eager to see more advanced work replace students’ tiles. “These kids just can’t paint,” Turner said while shaking his head. “I try to teach them, but they never learn. I’ve been waiting to see quality painting here for years.”

Some students are heartbroken about the new tile plan. “I’m really sad that mine is going to be taken down,” fifth grader Audrey Fuder said, sniffling. “I looked forward to painting it all through lower school, and finally got to paint it this year.”

Others are furious that the tradition is ending. According to Tiles Czar Willie Banks, a number of students in grades ranging from 3rd through 12th, under his leadership, are planning to leave their marks in the administrative hallway anyway.