Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

On March 7, eighteen upper school students accompanied by faculty chaperones Jeanne Barr and Kevin Conlon, both upper school history teachers, were denied entry back into the United States after President Donald J. Trump placed a three month travel ban on Scotland.

The delegation had traveled to the University of St. Andrews in Edinburgh to compete in an international Model United Nations conference.

The executive order—since dubbed the Loch Ness Ban—was signed into law by Trump after he waged a Twitter war against the Executive Chairman of Air Scotland. The Chairman, a Parker parent, was accused of chartering private planes free of charge to friends and family.  He has denied all allegations of misconduct.

“It was absolutely ridiculous,” Barr, who has been the Upper School Model UN faculty advisor since 2003, said. “The custom officers went as far as to ask us if we were actually American citizens. Apparently the industrial sized bags of McDonald’s and the cowboy boots weren’t convincing.”

The delegation was rescued after the library held a special fundraiser. Although they weren’t able to raise several million dollars, Parker parents were able to raise enough to pay for a luxury cruise ship. The students returned in time for St. Patrick’s Day.

“I never realized how difficult it was to be stranded in a foreign country,” freshman Lindsay Carlin said. “We were forced to take an interactive photography tour, visited Edinburgh Castle, went to a museum of optical illusions, and had high tea at the Waldorf Astoria.”

In the days following the Loch Ness Ban, Trump placed similar travel restrictions on Australia. The “Vegemite Veto” was passed after President Trump’s favorite brand of self tanner refused to continue importing tubes of their best selling bronzing lotion for free. The lotion, which uses carrot extract to achieve an attractive orange glow, has caused a shortage of orange vegetables from Perth to Newcastle.

The White House maintains that the orders are not bans, but instead a means to rid the United States of Scottish and Australian corruption. “It’s an extreme vetting system to keep America safe,” Press Secretary Sean Spicer said at a briefing the following Sunday. Spicer has refused to comment on whether or not he is aware the Chairman is an American citizen, or whether Trump is open to trying new brands of fake tan.