Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

On Friday, March 17, Dean of Students Christian Bielizna called an emergency Upper School Morning Ex.  Walking into the Harris Center, students were confused to find Susan Weingartner and Shantelle Cavin, the Illinois Recruitment Coordinator for the University of Michigan, at the podium to begin the emergency meeting.

The University of Michigan has been Parker’s top school, drawing over three dozen Parker students over the past ten years. Senior and Michigan University commit Cameron Roehm said, “I was very surprised to run into Cavin after having a really nice dinner with her a couple weeks ago to discuss my housing arrangement for my first year at Michigan.”

But along with the rest of the student body, Roehm did not know why he’d been called in for an emergency meeting.

Cavin announced that this was the last year Michigan would admit Parker students. “I will now definitely be attending all my gym glasses,” senior and Michigan commit Jason Lansing said, “so I can graduate this year.”

After Cavin’s announcement, the room went silent as some students began drowning in their tears. “I’ve been dreaming of going to Michigan ever since I entered middle school,” junior Alex Chapman said after the meeting. “This is devastating news for me.”

When asked the reason for this decision, Cavin responded by saying that Michigan has reached its capacity for Parker students as Michigan tries to make its campus more diverse. The abundant Jewish community at Michigan, Admissions officers said, is giving the school a reputation for being a “Jewish school.”

This is something the admissions department has been trying to avoid ever since the whole controversy over the “Apartheid” event and the “Mock Wall” that was assembled by Michigan’s anti-Israel group Students Allied for Freedom and Equality (SAFE) as part of Palestine Awareness Month.

The University of Michigan offers the third-most Jewish college courses in the country, behind only Yeshiva University (138 courses) and Jewish Theological Seminary of America (150 courses) —which both have 100% Jewish student bodies.

This news was an upset for the Parker community. “I might have to switch schools for my senior year,” junior Abhinav Goyal said while walking towards Binita Donahue’s office.

In response to the “Parker cap” at Michigan, Parker parents are now considering increasing their yearly donations to the university.