Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

It is no secret that students use the elevator at Parker, but there is one man who is trying to stop the use of it. Upper School history teacher Andy Bigelow is known for stopping any use of the elevator at all costs. As the first Upper School grandparents and Special Friends day drew closer, there was an audible buzz in the hall about what would be done with the elevator.

“I mean my grandma probably could go up the stairs,” junior Jessi Lieb said, “but she’s just super lazy.” Other students showed more concern.  Junior Sidonia Ohringer said, “My special friend, my dog Mr. Peanut, is very afraid of going up more than one flight of stairs.”

When asked about how he plans to limit the use of the elevator, Bigelow said only one word, “Bagel.”

“BAGEL,” according to code-breakers from “The Weekly,” is an acronym for Bigelow Against Grandparent Elevator Loitering. “I worry that grandparents will encourage their grandchildren to take joy rides in the elevator,” Bigelow said. “So I have a plan!”

Bigelow will have special guards on each floor to watch over the elevator so ensure that no one will get in or out. “I wanted to shut it off for the day but was told that would be a ‘safety hazard,’” Bigelow said, “so hiring elevator ninjas was the next best option.”

If there are any grandparents or special friends who need the elevator to get through the day, they must apply for a pass at least one week prior to their visit.  The pass  must be signed by Bigelow himself.

“I want to know who is going in and out of that elevator at all times,” he said of the elevator permits. “That is the only way to make sure everything is in order.”

The last step of the BAGEL plan, according to Bigelow, requires that any grandparent or special guest who does not comply must attend a mandatory Proper Elevator Conduct Seminar.

Bigelow said, “I plan to education the Parker community on elevator etiquette one grandparent and special guest at a time.”