Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

On March 23, Upper School Dean of Students Christian Bielizna and 16 other teachers sat at the Bulls game waiting for the seniors to arrive. It was 7:00 pm, and the game was about to start, but only two students, Tom and Nate Besold, were there. Bielizna was worried, but there was no need to be–the students were safely in the United Center.

But not every student attended.  “I didn’t come because I don’t really feel comfortable with the senior class,” senior Ben Gershuny said. “I prefer juniors instead.” Another student who didn’t come was senior Hannah Kolker, who never likes going to sports games because she simply can’t see over the people in front of her.

What was supposed to be a fun night turned quickly into a disaster. Students arrived at the stadium, checked their tickets, and began panicking. Parker students had absolutely no idea what it meant when the ticket read: Section 314.

Senior Andrew Gordon was particularly flustered.  “Yeah, I’m not gonna be seen sitting on top of the stadium,” Gordon said. “I called security over and explained my situation. I told them I own $480,000 in season tickets, and I showed them my Rolex watch. Honestly, who do they think I am?  I took out my Mont Blanc pen too. If I wasn’t gonna be sitting on the court, how could I have gotten autographs?”

To the Parker students’ complete surprise security laughed Gordon off. Gordon, taking this to the next level, called his dad. Gordon’s father instructed Gordon to go to the ticket office immediately and buy a courtside seat for himself. For the rest of the game, no one saw Gordon–except for through the 43 snapchat stories he posted of himself on the court.

Among the students weary of altitude sickness was Parker royalty @Chitown_Foodies. Surprised to find out there was more than just the 100 level at the United Center, they found stairs and started their trek up to the top. After the first flight of stairs, senior Isabel Saltzman turned to her fellow Instagram celebrities the Holceker twins, seniors Elena and Katrina, and said, “Guys, Soulcycle is not working–this is a real workout.”

By the time the Foodies arrived at the top, they’d had enough. Foodie friend senior Abby Feitler was along for the ride, and she immediately stepped in to help, calling her sister’s boyfriend—wait, it might be her boyfriend–sophomore Jacob Levy, who was reclining in his court side seat.

When Levy answered the phone, Feitler told him to look up because she was waving at him. “Abby, I don’t like to look up at more than a 45 degree angle from where I am,” Levy said.  “You come down here if you want.” That officially ended the Feitler-Levy relationship, and things have been bad between the couple ever since.