Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

Upper school English teacher Mike Mahany made the tough decision to give up Mt. Dew for Lent. Mahany was introduced to the beverage through older friends when he was in college, and he has been using regularly ever since, for about 20 years now.

Close friend Nurse Anne has been giving Mahany advice about how to get through the withdrawal. “I’ve given him the proper medical advice to help him through this rocky and important transition in his life,” Anne said.  “Now it’s up to him.”

Mt. Dew, the most addictive sugary drink in the U.S., can lead to yellowing of teeth and erratic behavior and slurred speech.

“He has made such a big step,” Nurse Anne said. “I was so worried for him,”

“Mr. Mahany was informed that he must change his lifestyle or face termination,” principal Dan Frank said.  “We don’t want to lose him.”

Mahany has been reported to be experiencing headaches, dizziness, and nausea since he quit using almost five days ago.
“It started with my pastor” Mahany said. “He said it was a good idea during confession.”