Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

The fourth floor history hallway is at a standstill. A mob of nearly one-hundred and fifty ecstatic students are packed in tight, surrounding the representative from The Great Books Summer Program.

Throughout the month of February, this was the norm. “I am so happy students are interested in their futures and doing something productive over the summer,” Upper School Dean of Students Christian Beliezna said. “In all my years as an administrator, I have never seen students be so responsive to my emails and to tabling!

Kevin Conlon, an Upper School history teacher, has a different view regarding the recent spike in interest. “This is the first time I have seen students take such an interest in academics but because of the enormous mob, I am no longer able to get into my classroom,” Conlon said. “The door has become completely blocked, and I have had to cancel my classes on three different occasions!”

According to Matthew Turk, a sophomore, “I’m so happy that Parker students are showing interest in the sciences, specifically astrophysics! I never thought I would see so many astrophysics lovers at Parker!”

Leslie Bernhardt, a representative for The School of The New York Times Summer Academy, was “absolutely awestruck  by the number of students. Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting so many interested people,” she said. “I had heard from representatives from other programs to expect to sit by myself and bring some good reading material.”

Edward Garza, the Intermediate School drama teacher, was completely flabbergasted by the mob-like line filing all the way down the hallway outside of his classroom. “I truly cannot believe that students are actually stepping away from their electronic devices and interacting with adults,” Garza said. “However, the mob is a little angering, and the students are completely blocking the space my kids use to rehearse and practice their skits!”

“The student engagement I have seen is incredible,” repeated Beliezna. “I absolutely love seeing so many students interested. I have been working to implement a signup sheet for students to reserve time to talk to the summer program representatives. I have also gotten a lot of complaints from seniors who are no longer able to access the comfy chairs.”